Sunday Night...Halloween Is Coming

How do you forgive yourself after years of countless addictions. All the dramatics and broken glass. All the cuts and bruises. And I'm probably speaking more for my loved ones than me. They were the victims of this illness as much as myself! There aren't enough dirty fingers and dirty toes...and so it goes. ..onward!

I've been sober for over 6 months now - and Halloween is coming up! I can't remember last halloween - how bad is that? It was Zoe's 1st and I can't even conjure up one, muddy, distorted mental image of her in her costume??? I just saw the costume - it was like the first time ever seeing it....and it's sad...and yeah, halloween is spooky, but for those of us with skeletons in our closets - SPOOKY-takes on a whole different meaning.

It hurts to see these everyday memories gone bad. BUT, I wear them like scars, because really addiction (63 painkillers a day) is a battle that so many fight, and even more...so many sadly lose. I understand - the hard way. Do I forgive myself? YES! I forgive myself by doing the next right thing. For those of us in narcotics Anonymous (not so anonymous for me) that is how we make amends. I will be there for my daughters 2nd Halloween...and God willing everyone after. And I'm taking a picture of that so-horrible-it's-cute chicken costume (think it's a chicken?) and framing it. It's an act of forgiving myself. God Bless!...j

My ideas and thoughts on forgiveness come from this place. Addiction gave birth to what forgiveness meant as Jesus Christ spoke of it. I get "it" now. I have been the scum of the Earth. Hurt so many people because of my illness. I always had this standard though, "But I'll never do HEROIN..." Guess what - I've done Heroin. Every prerequisite, or shall I say "disclaimer" (can't believe I'm that guy doing the finger quotes in the air-did I even use them correctly?)...has been claimed! Got it! Won it! Bought it! Digested that. Snorted that! Oh, I've drunken that!~whatever~ I am in terrible need of forgiveness...and thus, I lend it....always...to all. narcoticsanonymousnj.org

"You can only keep what you have by giving it away" -(NA Quote)

Clocks Turned Back. That is good for this isnomniac!!

It's 4 A.m. EST and I'm typing in the dark. This is the best part of seasons - the sudden change when the weather stands as backdrop to contrast eachothers beauty. It's quite amazing.

I never knew what a blog was--bumped into last night doing research for a book on forgiveness...I need true, real-life examples of people who had the courage to FORGIVE others no mATTER HOW UGLY IT WAS.

If anyone is out there and wants to share and is willing to be photgraphed and published...please let me know.

The schoolhouse shootings in Nickel Mines, PA in the Amish community - my God, how horrible. I was reading about it in People magazine and I received the most beautiful message of peace - FORGIVENESS. The story will change your life! It changed mine.

The Amish forgave Charles WhatsHisName that took their children's lives and , most likely, would have molested or sexually assaulted them. He committed the "unforgivable" and they (Amish) made it a point to console his distraught wife and family after the murders. The asked for her blessing to attend his funeral. And they made it a point to bring the children. They do not want hatred in their hearts: They begin this lesson at a very young age. They even set up a fund to help take care of his family's financial needs for the future??

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? That's so fricking beautiful! So, So, BEAUTIFUL. The can forgive the man who murdered their children exacution style and penetrated the peaceful bubble of peace they have created for thundreds of years and I "can't" forgive my mother-in-law for telling me to, "fuck off"?

Peace, how we better ourselves, lay in the essence and beauty of forgiveness...of all. Pope John Paul FORGAVE the man who shot in his jail cell a few days after the shooting. It was one of the "hardest things I ever had to do." He said. Live by example my friends