I have written in a while. There's not too much to say on forgiveness. Except, that it's a process. You never "get there"! It's a minute by minute, day by day thing. You have to work at it by the second. Two steps forward, 1 step back...always. I did receive an article from a good friend on the subject. Leslie Hendricks, who was my massage therapist. in Montclair, NJ (she's amazing). Now she's more of a friend. She sent me an article on forgiveness and the physiological effects on forgiving. I lost the article though. All I can say is that there's many health benefits to letting go and moving on...lower blood pressure, better cholestoral levels, deeper sleep cycles etc.
I landed in the hospital again. This time for a manic state I couldn't get out of. As I get older, I see how truly debilitating depressive disorders can be. It seems like I get sicker and sicker as each year goes by. I'm on 6 medications now, just to keep the mania at bay. It seems crazy to me. The old me would be scared of the new me. I always thought these disorders were bullshit. They were scarey. They were something others had. Some crazy shit that nut jobs had...not me. Now that I'm in therapy, I look at my past and see how truly sick I've always been. My role-models, my standards were set by other sick people. So, I just saw myself as a girl. So did everyone else. Girls go through dramatic shit...right? Wrong. It wasn't normal. And if I can find any peace in all this, it lay in the fact that I don't have to live that way anymore. No more crazy fits of anger and despair. It's not normal. It's not "O.K.". And I don't have to settle for that type of life.
My doctor spewed off a list of all the manic-depressive celebrities. that he knows about. Manics tend to be highly creative people who do their best works in the hypo-manic stage. Van Gogh was manic. My therapist, Dr. W. Leibhauser, saw an exhibit Van Gogh did on wheat fields (something like that). The paintings themselves were huge, wall-size painting. There must've been at least ten of them. And, he did them all within a week's time!? What? He was in a manic state. My doctor also said they were "breathtaking". Why does such beauty always come at the expense of pain. Real pain and beauty go hand-in-hand. Is that beautiful, or sad? I don't know. Maybe, both.
In the book, The Thornbirds, the author opens witha tale about the thornbirds. They spend their entire lives trying to sing the most beautiful of songs. Their entire lives are dedicated to finding this beauty and mastering this art. Ultimately, the impale themselves on thorns, and as the thorn penetrates, they let out the most beautiful songs imagineable. And then, they die, at peace. What expense, what lengths, do I go to in order to find such beauty? How much pain do I have to take so that others may find me beautiful? Perhaps I will only know during my last days here on Earth.
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you write... What expense, what lengths, do I go to in order to find such beauty? How much pain do I have to take so that others may find me beautiful? Perhaps I will only know during my last days here on Earth.
Sweetie, you have a husband and a daughter. I would imagine they both think u are beautiful and something tells me that you know this.
Manics may be highly creative , beautiful, breathtaking individuals...and although i don't know you that well_ i'm sure you are as also.
Peace in the name of his emperor majesty
It seems as if you are trying to forgive? Who or what are you attempting to forgive, and for what? No battle should come at the consequence of realizing the beauty of a family and especially a little daughter.
Maybe I am trying to forgive myself, for the cost of my addiction over the years. Really, all I can do to pay my loved ones back is to do the next right thing. Otherwise, there's nothing that speaks to my regrets.
Maybe, I want others to forgive me.
Like my mother-in-law. I begged for forgiveness and her response was, "I feel absolutely nothing for you." To me, that is the most horrible response--worse than hate. Hate takes energy. She will not waste her energy on me...and it hurts so much...not only me, but my entire family. She hasn't seen her granddaughter in a month becuase she won't see me.
If the Amish can forgive the man who shot their children--they even set up a fund to help his family with expenses - then we can afford,
afford to forgive eachother. Honestly, we can't afford not to...but I pray. My pasetor prays with me. It'll be fine...faith!
Although some feel as if we could learn plenty of lessons from the Amish...most of their views would not benefit our Culture for Dollars state.
Aside from that, you obviously are in a tough situation with no easy way out. It must run its course, and nothing can speed it up except you focusing on self forgiveness and moving forward.
We all screw up, hurt others, hurt ouselves, and try to do our best not to. The apple was dropped in the
garden.
Your outlook is correct, you must repay them slowly by doing the next right thing, then the next, and so on. But also, Ease the noose by realizing your mistakes/lessons, foriving youself, and taking steps into the next stage of life. Pupa
thanks pupa...you are right. self-forgiveness is a biggie for me...I work on it daily. THANK YOU again for your words. By the way--please tell me your name isn't pupa? is that on the certificate?
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